This is only one of the many changes in my life. Sometimes my hearing can be used against me and it just doesn’t seem fair. I have a mixture of feelings that surrounds this particular even t that was completely out of my control. For the most part I feel angry, shocked, hurt, and somewhat relieved.
I can understand if I had made the choice like I did five years ago, but this time it was not my choice at all. However, I can see the purpose a little more clearly. I know that things will get better, but that doesn’t mean I like it. And for the first time in a couple of weeks I am feeling some anxiety.
I was living in Florida awaiting for some cooler weather, when suddenly I left for Michigan and really in the cool weather not to mention that where I am at inside this apt. the air conditioner is on most of the time and I am just freezing and wear my coat just about 24/7. I was living with my daughter and two beautiful granddaughters. I did want a place of my own again. I am on disability and was looking for part time work with the help of Vocational Rehabilitation. I used to be self-employed in the cleaning business for over 20 years and did quite well. But for the last few years I was just getting tired of it. I wanted out and look for a different career. I always loved to drive and even had a couple clients that I drove around to and from work this year. I really really enjoyed that. I felt useful. Also I was taking care of my granddaughters quite a bit, and looking for work as an affiliate. I didn’t know much about that and thought it would be better if I had my own website. So I created one and decided it would be about My Life. And I also tried to affiliate with a few companies. But my home life was changing. My daughter and I don’t quite get along or see eye to eye. Anyways one day she decided to move out and allow her ex boyfriend to move in and take over since I was not on the lease. The utilities were in my name and I paid that every month. I was really nervous about the father of my gr.kids moving in. I had to put most of my stuff in storage to make room for him and his new girlfriend to move in. Man it was so messy and trouble had already started when they moved in. And the trouble they caused were blamed on me because I simply didn’t hear their requests. The last request that I was told I know I didn’t hear them. After my granddaughters and I went to sleep, apparently the father came home and picked up girlfriend and they went out. I woke up at 2 am and turned on the air because I was hot. They were not home. So I was on my computer then I went down to fix a cup of coffee when they finally came in at 8 am. I said to myself oh no, guess that means they will be in bed all day and I will have to take care of the girls. I went back to my room with my coffee and a few minutes later here comes dad into mine and girls room. He yelled and screamed at me about the air conditioner and his room being flooded. He yelled that he told me 3 times not to turn air on and I said I’m sorry I swear I didn’t hear you. He woke the girls up with his yelling at me. He told me I had one week to get out. I said okay I will figure it out. Then he said 3 days and then it went down to no that day. So I went downstairs to have a cigarette and it was raining. I opened the door and he told me to get out. I told him no he will lock me out! I know the laws about evicting people out of your home but he was hollering at me even outside. So I called the police to find out my rights. He threatened to Baker Act me or put me in jail and I simply said it wouldn’t work. The police came came and all in all what it boiled down to was they advised me to try and a find a place to go within a couple of days. I panicked and said oh dear. They knew I was in a very hostile situation. So I went to my computer and noticed that I got a message on FB from a friend to come up to Michigan and visit. I responded back to tell him to leave me his number. He didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t plan on asking him. So then I got in touch with him and man I hate talking on the phone. Very hard for me to understand people but I let him know what was going on. I told him I had to leave right away. I didn’t have much money at all. Looked at prices for trains, buses, and planes. I didn’t have enough. And I couldn’t take my car because I had just got into an accident about 5 days earlier and totaled it. Then I remembered that one of the guys I was driving around who is an attorney and his wife is an airline stewardess so I figured he must have some skymiles. And of course he has been knowing about my situation for quite some time. They were more than happy to help me out. Meanwhile the father and his girlfriend kept coming up to the room to yell at me and say all manner of things that you just don’t tell your parents or anyone else for that matter. According to my childhood, I probably wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. Okay now to end the story. My granddaughters and I were heartbroken and very sad. The older one who will be 7 next month cried a cry that was different. She tried to get into my duffel bag. She tried to block me from leaving. And I cry just about everyday. She is the love of my life. I lost everything. But I know that I shall begin again into a new chapter of my life.
Good Morning so early in the morning, Haven't seen me lately eh? I know. And I know the reason. It is hard for me to stay consistent. I'll be passionate about something then all of a sudden out of the blue I just lose interest. I have done that with many things in my life. I do love to write. And I love to drive. I used to really love reading. But now we have computers and we can look up just about anything we want to read about. We can read up on ANYTHING!!!! But I went through a period where I just didn't feel like reading anymore. In fact, I didn't feel much like doing anything anymore. I just felt so lost. Who am I really? To be honest for over 3 years I just didn't want to live. That's a long time. But live I did. I had to. The three things that mainly kept me alive was this: 1) My granddaughter Rachael would deeply be hurt if I was to die. The thought of hurting her was just to much of a burden to bare. 2) The fear of what was on the other side of death not knowing what I believed anymore. (because I had a few ideas in life about that.) 3) Maybe, just maybe I might finally overcome this deep darkness. This dungeon experience. This nothingness. This terror in my heart from time to time that God abandoned me after all. That was my biggest fear. And a few times I felt this awful pain in my, I want to say soul. It wasn't the same as a broken heart pain. It felt way much deeper than that. It was terrible.
Okay. So there you have somewhat of a clue of what had been going on in my life for the space of not quite 4 years. It started in the summer of 2009. The declining of my spirit. Of course it was considered a mental illness, and I was in and out of hospitals 6 times in less than a year with each time getting worse and worse. To be honest I think a lot of it had to do with the meds they were trying me on or taking me off and giving me another. I did not understand what or why this was happening to me. And I just felt like this one big failure. And not so much to my family or what friends I may have had or not had but to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And especially for going to the hospital to begin with. I went in for depression, not because I was seeing or hearing things, just depression. So they gave me an antidepressant at first and then they gave me something that was supposed to help the other medication along. It was Abilify. I wasn't watching TV much at the time because I was really into something else big time! I was really passionate about that and in a bad marriage that I should have gotten out of but out of sheer will I tried to hang on. He divorced me anyways and still wanted to see me. (anyways that is another story) What I am trying to say is that I had been on a emotional roller coaster ride for quite a few years prior to the meltdown. Getting back to Abilify. Not knowing anything much about that drug I decided to quit it after a few weeks. Didn't think about it at all. Stayed on the antidepressant though. But for some reason I was feeling something quite strange. I felt weak and frizzled frazzled. Couldn't explain it. It took me a couple of years to figure it out. Anyways I went back to the hospital. I couldn't really explain fully what was going on with me. I would open my mouth up and say stuff about what I had been learning and they were just baffled. I should have kept my mouth shut. Most people do not understand the things that I had been learning. There are some but not many. And I knew that but I still wanted to trust someone to tell what I had been learning without them thinking I was a whacko. I knew I wasn't. Maybe some things I might have been misinformed but a lot of things were pretty true. But not everybody knows or cares, or even want to know. So naturally they took me off my antidepressant and decided to try me on a couple of other meds. They told me it would take a little while for these meds to start working, so I obediently kept taking it for a little while. One of the drugs (seroquel) I would take before going to bed and not even 20 minutes later boom out goes the light. And I would end up sleeping late when I am typically an early riser. The other drug was to be introduced into my body slowly. Started out at 25mg and eventually up to 200mg. That was Lamictal. But the Seroquel was just way to strong for me and I was getting more depressed. I still felt frizzled frazzled so they decided to give me Geodon. I must have gone into the hospital again and told them that I did not want to be on Seroquel anymore. No problem. They just increased the lamictal and geodon. You see what I don't think these doctors realize is that you go through withdrawals when you stop taking something. I know I didn't realize it until maybe 2 and 1/2 years later. I really should sue these Big Pharma Industry. I had no idea! Anyways to make a long story short I am slowly coming off a couple of these meds. Actually I believe that it was the Abilify that made me feel nutso to begin with now. I went from 160 mg of Geodon and nothing now. This time I was armed with more info about these drugs. I really like this doctor I have. He became my doctor at my 3rd visit to a hospital. Even though he increased my meds and tried me on this other med he was still willing to listen to me. At first I just went along with what these doctors were telling me to do. But as I was learning more about these drugs I would tell my doctor no! Don't cut it down so fast or so low so fast. From 200 mg. of Lamictal now down to 75 mg. I stayed at 100 for a long time and since I have taken my last dose of 20 mg. of Geodon about 6 months ago I feel tons better. Lamictal and Geodon are the main two drugs I want out of my life. The other two will be a piece of cake but I will save them for last. Easy does it.
So now basically I really need to work on consistency. And there are other things going on in my life as well. Have a nice day.
Picture of Mt.Shasta
I was going to blog yesterday I was so excited. Anyways, I needed to badly get new tubes for my hearing aids. I had had these hearing aids for 2 years in November coming up. Thanks to this wonderful woman that took interest in me when I started to go back to A.A. ,she offered to buy me new or wanted to check into getting me hearing aids. Lovely woman and so very happy. I had been so sick for a few years mentally. I had isolated and felt disillusioned and just plain numb and dumb. I gave up on a alot of things. But I am not going to get into all those details just yet. I need to save that for another page. So I told this lady, "oh no, you don't want to do that, they are very expensive." But she insisted that she would look into it. I had forgotten about Starkey Hearing Foundation. I had a hearing test done and this man told me about this place. I could get two hearing aids for $125.00 per ear application fee. And I thought for sure and knew that that was definately worth looking into. I needed them bad. I thought about standing on some corner holding a sign saying I need that amount for hearing aids. But I was not brave enough. So then all of a sudden it dawned on me that YES this woman could definately help me! So I told her about this foundation. She wanted more info so I told her the name of Starkey. I had to remember first. It had been awhile. So she checked it out and was only to thrilled to help me. I was so sick in my head for a few years that I did not feel that excited but I knew I needed them bad. Both of my hearing aids were pretty much gone and shot for a long time. Oh she was such a giving woman. I had been like that before. I was in her shoes doing all the giving prior to my breakdown. So I thought well? I should accept her help. I filled out the application and immediately got a referral to go to USF audiologist. They were impressed at how well I spoke for as deaf as I was. I guess I should credit my 2nd mother for that. I mean in the midst of all the bad that she had done to me something good came out of it. But I don't talk to her. That's another story. Well needless to say I was approved and immediately got my new hearing aids. Ahhh! What a relief! I could hear again and much more clearly than I have ever heard! But....I was still sick. Wandering about not really knowing who I was anymore. I am just now waking up again. Reminds me of the song by Tom Petty "It's Wake Up Time" I had always loved beautiful music and certain songs would really touch me even if I didn't know all the words to it. So I have been getting so excited lately about new things. I wanted to explore different avenues of work. I had my own cleaning business for over 20 years and I just couldn't take it anymore. And it started to show. So Vocational Rehabilitation is and was supposed to help me land another job. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I wanted to drive. so I drive a couple of professional men to and from work who by the way lost their license due to you know what. They helped in their way to make me feel better and more useful. But that is just not enough money. So ding the light goes on! I joined Twitter and Linkendin and Google plus and came up with an idea to write about my life. So now I am with Weebly.com creating my site. It's slow. And I also knew I wanted to be an affiliate. So I started checking out hearing aids and the world just seemed to light up. Oh my word! Technology sure has changed. @0 years ago I had this idea about waterproof hearing aids. I mentioned that to an audiologist and he said it would never happen. But guess what? I saw that Seimens had actually created them. Who knows who else has them. Of course they are very expensive. So then I needed to buy some new batteries. So I looked online for that and thought again about a business. I could sell hearing aid batteries. I found a site that sells them for a very low price. But I need money. Anyways I started to follow people on Twitter and the Sky Is Wide Open. But it will take time. Found out through this hearing place I went into yesterday also is connected to Starkey. He showed me his certificate on the wall after he saw my hearing aids. I had to wait a long time for him to replace my tubes and I was the only one there. But while I was waiting I saw all these pamphlets on all this technology of hearing aids. I was so excited. It was amazing! Where have I been? Geez! I am so grateful for these new "ears" of mine. I really must keep going. I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.